Flight

I’m feeling more and more anxious as each day goes by. And I don’t see it getting any better. I think that in a way uncertainty makes me really anxious. I wouldn’t call myself a control freak, in general. There are certainly specific things about which I am a perfectionist (take music, for example). But on a whole, I don’t see myself as a control freak. Still, there are things like airplanes that just scare the hell out of me, and I think a big part of that is lack of control. I KNOW rationally that airplanes are relatively safe (I’ve heard even more so than cars), but the fact that there is nothing that I can do, myself, to improve my odds of surviving freaks me out.

Maybe it’s the same thing with life in general. Right now I feel like a lot of things are like big long plane rides in my life. In my relationship, most of the cards are out of my hand. There’s nothing I can do except wait and see what happens and where things end up. I’m a little worried about my hip, but again, there’s very little I can do besides wait and see. I feel like my life is becoming one increasingly scary, bumpy plane-ride and I’m stuck in coach watching the clouds go by.

My 7.5 miler went ok this morning. It was my longest run by 1.3 miles since injury and it felt like it. I ran out the Great Meadows trail from the Keyes Rd parking lot and made it a little ways beyond the water treatment plant in Bedford. I wonder how far/where that trail ends up going. Someday when I have more miles under my legs, I’ll find out. I did have some pretty bad hip pain about 5 miles in though, which actually forced me to stop and walk it out for a few seconds (not out of actual pain or tiredness, just worry to see if I was limping). I am listening very closely to my body, especially for groin pain, and so far I think I’m doing an okay job. I will almost certainly take tomorrow off unless I feel miraculously better tomorrow morning. I think I’m doing a much better job this time around of listening to myself and dealing with pains rather than ignoring and running through them.

Duncan is back in town for a few days. It was good to see him for a few hours tonight. Hopefully, I’ll be able to go spend this weekend down on Martha’s Vineyard with him and his family this weekend while Annie is in Maine.

It is now well past my bed time and so I must be off.