Forgetting

I just finished watching “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” a Jud Apatow flick about a guy whose girlfriend dumps him and yet he can’t seem to escape her. As a whole, it was a funny movie (no Superbad or Knocked Up, but solid). On a more subtle note, it actually struck a relatively poignant chord with me. While most of the situations were hilariously over the top and slapstick, there was an underlying seriousness that reminded me of the utter desperation of being forced to let go when you’re not ready.

I’ve already had to do this once with her. Well, maybe even twice? Still, this time is different. In two weeks, she’ll get in her car with her parents and head away to an exciting new place: a place without parents, without curfews, and without me. It’s hard to think about what those last few moments will be like. Will we both be too stubborn and stone-faced to show how we actually feel or will we bawl our eyes out? All I know is that I’m not ready. I’m not ready to let go of her; I’m not ready to hear that she IS ready to let go of me. Maybe that’s what hurts the most, the idea that she is okay with the uncertainty.

I’ve never been good at getting over girls. One of two things has happened in the past: I’ve either completely ignored her, told myself I hated her and that she was a miserable part of my life until it became the only thing I remembered and then never talked to her again or I simply didn’t get over her, but simply harbored my own feelings (in secret or not) and then eventually get hurt when I try to communicate about them. Both of these scenarios lead to shitty outcomes. Either I end up hating her and never speaking to them again or I end up getting my heart broken again. Relationships are hard.

Anna broke up with me once already, so in theory I should know what to expect. But it was different the first time. I think that part of me, deep down, thought that we might be able to get back together. So there wasn’t that same finality that I feel now. That was in March, so we still had three months of school and another three months of summer, so we had time if we did want to get back together. But now, it seems like even if we did want to, which doesn’t seem likely on the other side of the equation, we don’t have that same convenience. We’re not going to school together. And for the next year I’m going to be at least 2000 miles away. Fuck.

I think that the biggest problem or paradox in my mind is how to deal with the three months that I’m in Ecuador. It’s the time immediately after we will have been separated. Right now, she is the person I go to with anything. She is my best friend before she is my girlfriend. She’s the person that I see every day, the person who puts a smile on my face, the person that I think about and structure my day around. In a very blunt way, there will be a lot less to think about if she’s no longer a part of my life. And that’s what I’m worried about. I don’t want to let her just slip away and have her no longer be a part of my everyday life. But at the same time, I know that I’m going to need to get over her and need space and need time. Why is this all so complicated? Fuck.

I’m just trying to enjoy these last weeks, days, hours. If I don’t think about it, it won’t happen, right?

Right.

Anyways, my hips were both acting weirdly today. I did a bit of walking and played some tennis, which was probably not a great idea, but oh well. My dad had been asking me to play with him for a while, so I felt inclined. I’m hoping that I feel a lot better tomorrow morning so I can try out this speed workout. I will probably run in the old Asics Gel Racers again.

The Olympics are in swing now, but track and field doesn’t start for a few days, so it’s not too exciting right now. There’s a lot of swimming. Boring.

I wish that I felt more excitement than dread. Well, dread is much too strong a word. Anticipation? I wish that I didn’t have so much to lose. Then again, sometimes you need to stir up the routine, throw a wrench in the works. I guess the only difference here is I feel like it’s all so permanent, like there’s no going back. I’m coming to the end of a very important phase in my life. Hopefully, this will give way to an even more exciting beginning.